Sunday, January 22, 2006

Clever, Ironic Name - Haha, Sounds Like "Testicles"

I've decided that I hate this band. The Test Icicles, the newest British focal point for all that is trendy, indie-rock and dancepunk, and how average it is. I think this is the first time I've featured a record on this page that I completely despise, but there is a first for everything I suppose.

Basically this album makes me wonder why I threw out all those Chinese Stars records. Oh wait - they're shit.

From the purposely shrill vocal stylings of this band's singer to the conveniently treble-y guitar - most likely tweaked to studio perfection - and the whole "Bloc Party with an edge" chord changes, I honestly feel like this album's hype is only growing to grow and swell; not unlike an obnoxious, benign goiter.

Can You Spell "Bloc Party And Libertines Are Shite - Don't Copy Them"?

Here's a formula - take some young trendy kids, give them some guitars, teach them a dancebeat, give them a Bloc Party record, hand them a cleverly semi-controversial name, and slap their record in the hands of every twelve year old girl with a Pinback shirt and a pair of ripped jeans and you've officially made a profit. Because that's all this band is about - can the praise, people. Test Icicles fail.

Bang Bang Rock and Roll, last year's supposedly brilliant debut release from Art Brut, a few rock and roll loving punks from Britain who sing songs about flailing around maniacally while under the influence of The Rock. Their songs are simple, precise, sharp to the point, and infectiously boring. A friend actually managed to convince me to listen to this drivel, and I was convinced within the first ten bars that it was garbage.

This music is disposable. When did rock and roll get so boring? Why did I grow out of punk rock? Why, four years ago, would I have listened to this and thought it was exciting, innovative and necessary? Now, when I listen to it, I want to throw out all their Richard Hell records - which is something that should never happen to anybody.

Was I Wrong About Rocknroll? WAS I WRONG?

Maybe this kind of stuff always sucked. Maybe the New York Dolls are totally overrated. Yet, when I hear a Shellac record, which is also brutally honest, stripped down rocknroll, and a Guided By Voices record, which is essentially the same thing, I'm not succumbed to the same kind of mental wear. I mean, in all honesty, Guided By Voices and Shellac are two of my favourite bands. I don't think I've ever fallen asleep listening to At Action Park. And how about the Clash? I shed more than a few tears when Joe Strummer died - I was there, mate. I remember that day. I knew that the greatest band ever had died with him. I love the Stooges - Fun House is one of my favourite records of all time.

Which makes you wonder why exactly the Libertines and all their cronies fail so miserably. I love rock and roll, but I hate Test Icicles, I hate Art Brut, I hate the Libertines, I hate the Hives, I hate Death From Above 1979. These bands are booooooooooring. But why?

Wait - I know what it is. Steve Albini, Joe Strummer and Robert Pollard had BALLS.

Buy At Action Park from


Blogger bevin said...

you get so wonderfully angry when you talk about bad music...i love it.

3:26 PM  

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